Shame

I’ve been agonizing over a decision. Well really I’ve lived in this dark could of shame and rejection for the last 4 days. A person I’ve known for approximately 24 years has ignored my varied, though sufficient requests for communication for the last two years. While in any other circumstance this would call for me making an attempt to discover my wrong doing in the relationship and thus, make a repair. I don’t think this would help though; because as I discussed with a mutual friend last year, “she just has to do things her way” in relationships and with others. Truthfully, I’ve always known that this person was like this, narcissistic, self-absorbed, and typically only engaging in social activities that fill her needs bucket. This is all evident via her face book page. Frequent photos of her in tight dresses, parading around what appears to be nightclubs with much younger female counterparts, hair always prepped and implants proudly pronounced. Moreover, the few photos she posts of her seven year-old daughter seem to be one of her minions in the making, just as self-absorbed and attention seeking. This is not to say that she is not without her own appearances of kindness, generosity or even spiritual practice, all of these things are though, just like the rest of her, tightly wrapped in the non-specificness akin to a Midwest “join our church” poster, or generic giving you might read in a chicken soup book. All of these things though are simply a cover for what is ultimately selfishness and survival created early in her rearing, much like her prodigy. Her actions lack clarity and seem suck, at age 21 or maybe 23, if I’m being generous. What’s my problem then? Why is letting go of this non-existent face book chum so difficult and agonizing? If I un-friend her, she will know and so will lots of other people we have in common. This leads me to my next gut wrenching issue, what if everyone thinks I am an immature baby? What do I say if someone asks? If I’m being honest, it does hurt, it punches me in the sore spot that is my shame bruise, but I’m NOT telling anyone else that. Or should I? The wise adult says, you should be honest with others, if it comes up, about what has happened. This would allow me to take a big fucking giant step towards this elusive vulnerability I’m seeking. Then I say, “face book is fucking stupid anyway,” my 17 year-old daughter even knows this. And why, dear god why, would I let ONE PERSON determine my worthiness anyway? The outcome is this, I logged into face book. I didn’t really; I’m always logged in just to check on my self-worth at any time. It pains me that I have to even search this person’s name and I un-freinded her. Wow, what a strange relief. I have one less face book friend today, and It’s okay.