Shame

I’ve been agonizing over a decision. Well really I’ve lived in this dark could of shame and rejection for the last 4 days. A person I’ve known for approximately 24 years has ignored my varied, though sufficient requests for communication for the last two years. While in any other circumstance this would call for me making an attempt to discover my wrong doing in the relationship and thus, make a repair. I don’t think this would help though; because as I discussed with a mutual friend last year, “she just has to do things her way” in relationships and with others. Truthfully, I’ve always known that this person was like this, narcissistic, self-absorbed, and typically only engaging in social activities that fill her needs bucket. This is all evident via her face book page. Frequent photos of her in tight dresses, parading around what appears to be nightclubs with much younger female counterparts, hair always prepped and implants proudly pronounced. Moreover, the few photos she posts of her seven year-old daughter seem to be one of her minions in the making, just as self-absorbed and attention seeking. This is not to say that she is not without her own appearances of kindness, generosity or even spiritual practice, all of these things are though, just like the rest of her, tightly wrapped in the non-specificness akin to a Midwest “join our church” poster, or generic giving you might read in a chicken soup book. All of these things though are simply a cover for what is ultimately selfishness and survival created early in her rearing, much like her prodigy. Her actions lack clarity and seem suck, at age 21 or maybe 23, if I’m being generous. What’s my problem then? Why is letting go of this non-existent face book chum so difficult and agonizing? If I un-friend her, she will know and so will lots of other people we have in common. This leads me to my next gut wrenching issue, what if everyone thinks I am an immature baby? What do I say if someone asks? If I’m being honest, it does hurt, it punches me in the sore spot that is my shame bruise, but I’m NOT telling anyone else that. Or should I? The wise adult says, you should be honest with others, if it comes up, about what has happened. This would allow me to take a big fucking giant step towards this elusive vulnerability I’m seeking. Then I say, “face book is fucking stupid anyway,” my 17 year-old daughter even knows this. And why, dear god why, would I let ONE PERSON determine my worthiness anyway? The outcome is this, I logged into face book. I didn’t really; I’m always logged in just to check on my self-worth at any time. It pains me that I have to even search this person’s name and I un-freinded her. Wow, what a strange relief. I have one less face book friend today, and It’s okay.

Social Craping

Today – October 6, 2010 - at 3:25 PM I deactivated my Facebook account. When I navigated to the deactivate account page I was asked my “reason why” I was choosing to deactivate my Facebook account. I scanned the check boxes of generic and completely irrelevant reasons Facebook provided and opted to go with “other” and briefly but specifically described my “why”:
“A very large portion of the people on Facebook are worthless jackasses! I suppose I would reconsider using Facebook if I could be assured that I would, under no circumstances, be subjected to the self-centered blathering and useless ramblings of people I would likely not speak to if they were sitting next to me on a crashing airplane.”

October 12, 2010 8:22 PM - It’s been nearly one week since I took a brave, but mildly impetuous step in deactivating my Facebook account. Two days after I relinquished all superficial communication with my “friends” the battery cord to my laptop sizzled out. One could interpret the abrupt interruption of electronic power supply to my internet operating machine as God intervening – should I have a sudden flood of regret in my disconnection choice. Perhaps God did opt to send me a confirmation of my choice or maybe I am a careless owner of laptop power cords (to date I’ve gone through 6.) Whatever the case, I have been “off the interwebs juice” for nearly seven days, save the few instances when I sparingly used work-related bookmarks to complete work-related tasks.

So then this evening as I swept the kitchen floor of its thin pug hair blanket, I began to mentally chew over my absence - and potential reintegration to digital communication. Strangely I felt an initial twinge of uncertainty and awkwardness as I imagined scrolling through the daily updates from others - colon, half parenthesis or semi-colon, backslash seems peculiarly trivial.

Most importantly and honestly I don’t care what others are eating for dinner or how much some hate their ex-spouse. I wouldn’t have discussed these topics with these people in person (if I even really spoke to half of these people in person within the last three years) and I don’t have any idea how these subjects of conversation would maneuver their way into a “real life” dialogue.

Only time will tell if I – once again – become desensitized to the “blathering” of the 111 people Facebook labels as my “friends.”

Don't Be Silly

When I survey the landscape of my life, the arduous and the effortless decisions that I willingly accepted in order to progress – I am only left with one solitary factor that either provided solace or provocation – companionship through the journey.

Feeling as a part of a struggling collective of one or many seems to ease the emotional burden and fears that often accompany new growth and direction.
Isolation and loneliness only lend themselves to become the playthings of self-doubt, fear and discouragement.

And as much as I long to listen and be heard in my journey I dare not weep and groan about my feelings of misfortune to those at a networking luncheon.

How odd.

“I will go in this way and find my own way out”

“I will go in this way and find my own way out”

Lonely, isolated, misunderstood - I suppose we all often experience these wretched emotions from time to time. Adolescence (the awkward and emotionally volatile period) is expected to be both electrifying and despairing; adulthood – or the “thirties” – has no such expectations.

I would be remiss to live through days, weeks, months without acknowledging the lingering, waxing and waning multi-layered experiences of loneliness. In spite of the increasing quality of those whom I call friend or a partner there is still a profound, synchronized connection I yearn for that often seems absent.

“I’m coming slow but speeding”

Acceptance is the complete and total appreciation for someone or something. I have found absolute acceptance of others - including myself - elusive. The complementary qualities that lure two individuals to develop a bond are in fact, the very characteristics that create contention, distance and misunderstandings within relationships. I surmise it is then the inability or unwillingness of the opposing individuals to understand the needs of one another that creates the disconnection.

If we are to genuinely connect we must first, embrace our individualized traits and second, accept the balancing partner for their absolute reverse abilities in order to develop and maintain harmony. Synchronicity involves two separate and distinct entities working together, seamlessly in union without discord.

I feel suffocated by the discord.

A Teacher

"What is it, this love? The love which flows through us and beyond us?"

"Whitaker the man and the teacher will continue to flow into the story of our knowledge about human beings. His life, his thought, and his rapport with human suffering will continue to be appreciated by new generations of family therapists. As they grow tired of the endless models, new approaches, and supertechniques, in the end, they will yearn to find human beings and their qualities in the real world and not in the microscope. Whitaker's legacy will be revalued even by those who kept their distance during his lifetime, labeling him as "bizarre" and "irrational." Carl was a pioneer in family therapy, a giant, who did not allow himself to be seduced into creating a myth around his personality. He died without any official disciples, but he trained a multitude of therapists around the world, sometimes unbeknownst to them, with the power of integrity and coherence. He taught us more about life than about techniques. He taught us about the search for ourselves and our own spiritual essence, through the experience of suffering and solitude. "

-Excerpt from JMFT-1996 - Andolfi Maurizio after the death of Carl Whitaker

Carpe Diem

The struggle with creativity and inspiration is that often these fleeting moments occur when you are unable to take the imaginative power to its tangible outcome. Conversely, it seems that the daily events that consume so much time carrying out less creative endeavors are also the very events that birth the inspiration and creativity.

There is much to be said about being “in the moment” and using introspection as the springboard for infinite possibilities of creating and subsequently inspiring others. These “moments of clarity” often arrive without notice, forethought or even preparation. Moreover, within these moments lies the meta-analysis of ourselves, others, intentions, understandings, meanings and emotion - priceless glimpse into profound wisdom of the human condition.

I deeply value and cherish the times when my intellect and perceptual psyche are in harmony. I value my unexpected inspirational moments because, as with most of life’s treasures, if these instances are wasted, procrastinated or even brushed aside the probability of when this may occur again is unknown.

Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero – "seize the day and place no trust in tomorrow"

Foreboding and Benevolence

Image via Wikipedia

Awareness has hastened upon my spirit. Familiarity breeds contempt, I was once advised. Wise words meant for specific circumstances.

I know well my own internal, emotional compass and it is when this compass points south – despite my own impediment to move the dial otherwise – I should always take heed and take action. As sure as I may know what I should do in moments of emotional unrest alas, I have again chosen to turn a blind eye to wisdom.

There lies a large chasm between those who are wise, empathetic, deeply intuitive individuals and those who live lives riddled with self-centered behavior, one-dimensional cognitions, and judgmental commentaries.

Enjoy and revel in the plights, flaws and misunderstandings of all others. Perched upon minarets, a throne only made for one, pointing, scoffing, and chortling with sinister delight.

The hateful aspersions; incessantly echoed with bellowing satisfaction, or when in fear of retribution the explication is a soft innuendo slithered from the lips of one through the clefts of the ears to another.

This, to me, is the lowest and most unexamined life one could ever live.

Sadly reprehensible.

I vow to heed my internal warnings and never allow bitterness or contempt to overcome who I am created to be in this world.